The Lead

The Lead

I see them walking quite often—an older man, his son and their dog. The man is very tan, very thin with a large mustache—if he dressed the part, he would strike quite the pose of a wiry codger from the Old West; his son, a larger young man with special needs who has a quiet gentleness about him that only true innocence can have. The older man and I speak and seem to have a certain kinship, most of our language is a nod or a quick smile—rarely words. We are both few in that category.

Walking today in their usual and comfortable cadence, the man with the dog on a lead, his son following his usual five paces behind. I watch from afar today and note how both the dog and man seem to be on different types of leads. The dog on his obvious one and the man on an unseen one held by his son. The dog never turns to look for the man. The father never turns to look for his son. The tether that reaches between them is as apparent to me as any rope you might see between two climbers, an unspoken assurance between them — the young man’s need to hold on and his father’s need to be held.

Within those short five paces there seems to lie a soft love, comfort and confidence that neither will let go and that there is true equality between the holding and being held; that there is a recognition, without struggle, of the large gray expanse between guiding and being guided, between leading and being led.

I have no real idea of what was unspoken between this father and his son. I realize that the true dialogue is my own. How willing am I to lead or to be led? To hold or to be held? To love or to be loved? And, what are the real differences between them?

I can accept the obvious vulnurability of being protected, but can I accept the vulnurability that comes with being trusted enough to protect? Can I be attached to either end of that lead and accept that the other is held or holding? Can I surrender to true love, trust and the faith that is needed?

Turning the corner, me heading north and them east, I look back to see if they’re still there. A look, occuring to me, that they will never give one another.

…too

…too

When I was growing up, my grandmother taught me a valuable lesson that I sometimes forget. “Never be the one to let go of a hug first.” So you can imagine a hug from my grandmother took a really really long time. Not letting go of a hug, to her, was affectionately saying something she also loved—it was saying “…too”. A hug was saying, “I love you” and not letting go was saying, “I love you too”. I used to find a competitive fault with my grandmother’s way. “Why do ‘I’ always have to be the one to say ‘too’? Why can’t I hear it?” Or, “I always say, ‘I love you’ first. I want to say ‘too’ for a change.” It was a never ending battle and one I’m glad I lost time and time again. There was no out loving my grandmother.

I find myself, when reaching out with an intimate statement to those around me, with an “I miss you” or “Have a great day” or “I don’t know” or “I’m scared” or “I need you”…or, “I love you”, wanting to hear that back followed by that resounding “too”. I don’t look for magical words or an emotional one up, I simply want that someone to mirror back my moment…myself. I want to know that in that slight, or not so slight moment, that I’m not alone. That exposing myself will, in turn, be met with exposure. Things are not always safe and I accept that and welcome all those real and capacity growing experiences, but I also love the safety of the shared. The knowing that my emotions are empathized with and, while may not be exactly understood, are joined and accepted.

As an adult and outside of those small precious moments, I can internally debate all of those possible issues of insecurities, need for controlling outcomes, etc. But, in that moment, in that smallest and potentially overlooked moment, the small boy in me simply wants someone with my grandmother’s way. Someone who wants to out love me.

In My Father’s Shadows

In My Father’s Shadows

I used to stare at my father while he laid on the couch, wondering if he were ever going to spend some long awaited time with me—toss the ball or maybe teach me a useful knot. To this day I stink at knots and am particularly bitter about that neglect. I still loved him soulfully as I watched him lay there hurting, gathering strength, and longing to be whole. What wasn’t clear to me then—but have come to empathize with now—was that my father was broken. For all of his goodness he simply did not know how to let anyone in, except for those occasions when I fell asleep in his arms for an afternoon nap or while listening to a late night Dodger game on the radio.  Those were the times we felt close. [Read more...]